Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Feeling Depressed

This is a "whoa is me" entry...

I'm so bummed out I couldn't take that job.  Everyone is losing theirs and looking for work and to not be able to take a job is such a let down to your self esteem.  I just had no idea I'd spend every day crying about  it.

I can't tell you how debilitating having a mental illness like manic-depression is to keeping a job.  I can get jobs.  I have a terrible time holding one down.  I'm not lazy, stupid or incompetent, which makes it that much harder to explain to others that holding down a job is almost impossible.  The last thing I'd want to do to this lady is end up quitting because I wouldn't be able to keep up at some point.

For those that say to just "pull your pants up and deal with it"; I do that every day.  Manic-depression is a battle that never goes away and one you can't ever afford to lose.  You grit your teeth, get out of bed, pretend everything is okay to the rest of the world and "fake it until you make it".  You run yourself into the ground trying to deal with things that are simple to everyone else.

Quilting is my way out of the chains of manic-depression.  It calms down the manic frenzy and lifts up the depression.  Besides my family and meds, quilting and blogging keep me sane.  I wish I could say I feel a little better after posting, but I don't.  I just feel like a leech on society and I was raised to be self sufficient.  It sucks.

5 comments:

Crafty Maine Mom said...

Manic depression sucks. And to someone that hasn't felt the effects of depression they can't understand. Some tasks like taking a shower take an unbelievable amount of will power.

I think the hardest thing to do is to talk to others about our issues. I hope you find a job where the people you work for will know all about your issues and support, cajole, help you to be the worker you want to be.

kheli said...

I suffer from depression. All the time. Meds help, but still it takes a lot to get up and go most days. People who never have to deal with chemical imbalances/mental illnesses have no idea. You have to take care of yourself, and you have to feel safe. I am glad quilting is there fore you, I know it helps me too! Hang in there. Your blog friends are here for you!

lindaschiffer said...

My heart goes out to you! I, too, have this issue (although the meds mostly keep my issues in check, thank God!) Have you thought about a new doctor or different meds?

I've mostly managed by being more-or-less self-employed all my life. First as a full time mother, now as the owner of a retail business. Hard work, but at my own pace and on my own terms (mostly:).

God Bless you!

Linda

onlymehere said...

What courage it took for you to post this. I admire that. I'm a medical transcriptionist and so I sometimes get a glimpse of what it's like for people who suffer with depression and I know manic depression can be much worse.

I take great comfort in the words of what my prophet Gordon B. Hinckley said before he passed away (I'm a Mormon). He was being interviewed by Larry King and was asked what advice he had for working mothers and others in our church. President Hinckley thought for a moment and then said, "just do the best you can." That's all God expects of us but sometimes we expect more than our best from ourselves or we feel like we aren't good enough. Hang in there and keep on quilting and sewing. I enjoy your blog and now I admire you for your courage too. Just do the best you can!
Cindy

*karendianne. said...

Sending compassion.